I have heard from multiple (credible) sources that hitting and biting are normal toddler behaviors as little ones learn to navigate the world.  My beast decided that cheek pinching would be her preferred mode of exerting her will.  It started one sunny afternoon in San Diego, when, out of the blue, she pinched her little cousin on the cheek.  This elicited a “wonderful” response from him of screaming and tears, and dismay and anger from her mothers.  Unprepared as we were as parents to deal with this new development, the Beast’s cheek pinching ramped up quickly as she learned that she could get a big-ass response from her chosen victims.  She started pinching me and Mrs S (not on the cheek usually as this was harder to reach), but did experiment extensively with her best friend’s cheek, also two years old, who she spends two days a week with.  Her bestie is a sensitive soul and to the Beast’s great fascination, she responded with screams and tears every time.  The Beast was so fast on her attack that I was often unable to intervene before the damage was done.  I literally couldn’t take my eyes off of the Beast for even a moment, not even to pour myself a glass of water (that may explain my dehydration during this period).  The Beast began expanding her sphere of cheek pinching to all small children of Oakland.  I couldn’t take her to the park, yoga class, music class or even the grocery store without her trying to pinch a kid on the face.  She was particularly fond of the little blond ones with apple cheeks.

I evolved into a crazy hovering parent who wouldn’t let her child play independently.  It. was. exhausting.  Remember, toddlers have an attention span of about 60 seconds so I too, had to keep up with her constantly changing interests.  Alas, I was imperfect at completely preventing the abuse, resulting in lots of toddler tears, blood (unfortunately) and dagger stares from parents and nannies.  Where the hell were the parents who expected/understood/chuckled at this behavior?  I saw most of these caregivers every day and yet, I became the playground pariah.  Come on people, I didn’t train my child pinch yours.  Does this look like fun for me?

  As the pinching continued (which it has for MONTHS), I began to feel more and more isolated.  None of my other mom friends were confronting the same challenges, and I felt like I was the only one raising a tiny sociopath.  I stopped going anywhere where there was even the possibility of other children.  This basically meant I stopped interacting with humans.  It was depressing.  I talked to the dog a lot.  And drank a lot of wine.  When I did have a chance to talk to an adult (again rare) I asked for advice on how to deal with The Beast’s intractable behavior.  Advice was diverse and we tried almost all of it including time-outs, re-direction, deep breaths, verbalization of feelings etc etc.  One person even suggested pinching her on the ass (we skipped that one).  Finally we asked our pediatrician (why did we wait so long to do this?), who suggested that we just ignore the behavior.  She said that the Beast was obviously getting something positive from the pinching (i.e. attention/big response), which is why it continued.  Ignoring the pinching, and simply waiting it out, which was hard as hell, has turned out to be slightly better than any other approach.

  When you’re “in” it, it’s HARD, but unpleasant behavior never lasts forever. In the darkest days, my boss, a mother of a compassionate and well-adjusted young adult who used to be an aggressive toddler offered the most comforting feedback… “It’s just the worst being the parent of the aggressor, but one day it will end.  And also, your child will not grow up to be a sociopath.”

  The Beast still tries to pinch the cheeks of children, but it’s less frequent and easier to predict (usually when she’s tired or frustrated).  I feel as if I have been released from the pinching prison, yay!  However, as one might expect, the abuse has taken new form.  It’s verbal, I’m the primary victim, and it sucks.   You can read all about it here.