I have been sitting on this blog post for a long time, unsure of how to start it.  As you well know, I have a toddler on my hands.  One who, from my perspective anyway, is very intelligent and therefore capable of sophisticated psychological warfare.  Couple this with some ripe insecurities about my status as “non-birth mom” and you’ve god a recipe for a mommy feeling all the feelings. 

Just recently my child seemed to be experimenting with differentiating by attempting to push me away with her words.  “I don’t love you, mommy,” was a bullseye, so to speak.  This came in the wake of me preventing The Beast from letting her run naked into the street.  As parents of toddlers know, preventing them from running to their deaths is tantamount to torture, so in her unique world view, this sentiment might have been warranted.  In light of this, and my role as an adult in this situation, I tried really hard not to react. But I did feel a little hurt and I think she picked up on this because (a) she’s really smart and (b) she tried this line quite a few times that night and in the proceeding weeks.  It was a “special” time.  I processed these interactions with several parent friends and everyone seemed to have similar feedback, “this is normal” and “she’s just differentiating” and “it just means she trusts that you’re not going anywhere.” I hung on to this advice for dear life.

The “I don’t love you” incident and myriad other related interactions with The Beast seemed to make my role as the non-birth/biological parent relevant again.  Not only is Mrs S (The Beast’s birth mother) not subject to verbal attacks, she is always the one that The Beast turns to when she wants comfort, special bites of breakfast, bedtime stories and owie kisses.   Her apparent preference for her birth mom pushes on some deep insecurities because while I’m a mom, I’m not necessarily the mom. I get some comfort from the fact that I’m not the only non-birth lesbian mom whose kid alienates her, like this woman who wrote an op-ed that appeared in the New York Times last year with the same issue:  https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/25/well/family/lesbian-families-children-favoritism-parenting.html.  

The distinction between birth and non-birth mother is a contrast that ebbs and flows between importance and irrelevance.  Most of the time it’s a non-issue.  It seems unimportant in the context of our day-to-day lives but there are moments when I’m harshly reminded by my insecure ego that I am not, in fact, the birth mother.  While I don’t question my importance in her life, I do still wonder if there is an invisible biological tether between birth mother and child that cannot be manufactured or ignored.  The question then becomes: How much weight do we give to this connection between birth mother and child? I’m a little afraid of the answer, to be honest.   Mrs S and I are now planning for our second baby and (Goddess willing) I will be the one carrying this time. So soon enough I’ll have my answer.