For those of you (mostly queers I imagine) who have seen If These Walls Could Talk 2, you may recall the final short starring Sharon Stone and Ellen DeGeneres as a lesbian couple trying to have a baby. My favorite scene is towards the end when the couple finally purchases the sperm they plan to use for insemination. Ellen’s character comes rushing home with it in a giant metal canister and Sharon’s character meets her at the door wearing boxers, a lacy bra, and a feather boa. The couple awkwardly make their way upstairs where you see that Sharon has adorned their room with flower petals. As she lies down seductively on their bed, she reveals that her attempt to sterilize a turkey baster resulted in it melting beyond use. It is utterly charming and hilarious. You can watch it here.  Start at 1:08:00.

I was a “baby gay” when I saw this for the first time and the scene made an impression on me. The story confronted the inherent limitations to creating a family as a lesbian couple, while also demonstrating that couples could find other (albeit kooky) ways to connect with one another in the process of conception.

When Mrs. S and I reached this baby-makin’ point in our lives, it was essential to me to feel connected to our unborn baby in other ways, because we wouldn’t be genetically related. I didn’t know how I was going to feel when the baby was born. I didn’t think I would feel like a “mother” in the traditional sense because I hadn’t carried the baby around inside of me for nine months, but I wanted to make damn well sure that I did everything in my power to still feel like the baby was our baby. So, I made fertility my mission.

Note: I do not have any delusions about being an expert in the realm of fertility. I merely want to share our approach because it helped me feel connected to the process and the baby, plus, some combination of this worked for us in the end.

I created a fertility shrine with Quan Yin – the Buddhist manifestation of Divine Mother, Ganesh – the Hindu Elephant God and remover of obstacles, Venus de Willendorf – an ancient totem of fertility, several crystals to attract fertility and the infamous Baby Hat. I meditated every morning and evening in front of this altar and visualized our happy, healthy baby.

I cleansed with Mrs. S in solidarity, cutting out all meat products, alcohol, sugar, processed foods, and coffee. I started making smoothies for breakfast filled with lots of ingredients to support fertility like bee pollen and homemade granola. This article provides some awesome information about how to shift your diet to promote fertility . Also, Mrs. S’ acupuncturist told her that her Qi (vital energy) was cold and we had to warm it up, so I integrated “warm” foods into breakfast smoothies by adding ginger, cinnamon, kale, and dates.

I made “smocktails” of fresh juices and sparkling water every night to give Mrs. S a special treat to “replace” wine. HAHA. They were actually delicious, recipes forthcoming.

I introduced Mrs. S to yoga for fertility (think: pelvic floor exercises).

I burned sage daily to cleanse the energy in our apartment.

I blared devotional chanting and peaceful music.

I ordered books on mindful childbirth and parenting by Deepak Chopra and Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

But when it came time for insemination, I had to let go of my feather boa fantasy because at $1000 a pop for sperm, we weren’t willing to try insemination at home (the odds of getting pregnant are higher with an IUI performed by a fertility doctor).

So, I attended every appointment with Mrs. S to see the fertility doctor.

We brought our Venus de Willendorf totem with us to the insemination appointments, and I even pushed the plunger on the sperm… TMI?

The only thing I refused to do was inject Mrs S with her ovulation trigger shot (to ensure that ovulation occurs within a certain timeframe). Needles and I don’t get along.

But after two months of this, Mrs. S still hadn’t gotten pregnant and we started to get stressed and worried. As irrational as we knew it was to be concerned we weren’t pregnant after only two months, anxiety was building. With no baby to eat for yet, Mrs. S was getting tired of her vegetarian diet and wine free evenings as imposed by her crazy wife (me).  So she revolted.  She came home one day after work and admitted she had done something very bad.  She had eaten a hamburger, truffle fries and consumed an entire glass of wine(!)  This was the first and last time she has ever ingested a hamburger in the entire five and a half years I have known her.  After several minutes of belly laughter, we both realized that we needed to surrender the gripping desire for Mrs. S to get pregnant lest we lose our minds.  We were doing everything we could to create an environment for conception and there was nothing else we could do.  So together we agreed let go and allow the divine to guide the rest.

This poem by my favorite Sufi poet, Hafiz, says it so well:

Tripping Over Joy

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?
The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God
And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move
That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”
Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
You have a thousand serious moves

Practicing surrender might have been the special ingredient because later that month, The Beast was conceived (mere minutes before this photo was taken, and yes, beer pong is happening just outside the frame).

 

xo

Mrs. T