Mantra March
As you may have gleaned by now, I have been struggling with motherhood. I know this comes up for many folks, particularly in the first six months, as everyone (including baby) adjusts to the new family order. To acknowledge the obvious: parenting is hard, people. See image below, this is what it feels like most of the time.
It’s way harder than I ever imagined, but I think that’s because I was imagining the wrong things. Describing the challenges of parenting to expectant parents is nearly impossible so I didn’t actually know what was going to be hard. I’ve found that the difficulty, at the outset at least, isn’t so much that you aren’t sleeping (although this does render rational thinking elusive) but rather, that our individual imperfections are brought into focus. It seems that parenting gurus who write the parenting books that people like Mrs S and I gobble up, are rarely in touch with this subtler part of the process. They’re often focused on the how (how to do sleep training, how to breastfeed, how to raise a creative child) rather than the what (what kind of parent do you want to be, what internal conflicts does parenting bring up for you, what parenting behavior are you modeling). Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book: Everyday Blessings is the first that I’ve come across that invites readers to look at themselves rather than their children, to address the challenges of parenting. The other place where I’ve found it useful to examine my unique battles in parenting is in therapy! If you don’t have a good therapist, go get one. Seriously.
However, since I am, in fact, imperfect and have not reached self-realization, my current coping mechanism for my struggles in parenting is self-deprecation. It’s amusing in social settings, but when it comes to focusing energy and staying in my power, it’s counterproductive.
My most popular method of reminding myself of my inferiority is to repeat the following mantras:
I’m a bad mother
I don’t know what I’m doing
I can’t meet my child’s needs
When in my rational mind, I acknowledge that no one got very far by telling themselves they were terrible. But it’s also a safety blanket in a sense. I’ve continued to repeat these negative affirmations to myself because it is a habit, and it feels easier to tear myself down than to love myself. I hate admitting this, let alone writing it down so YOU can read it. But by giving my self-hate a form, I can also take that bastard down. So this month I’m tackling self-loathing with Mantra March.
The goal of Mantra March is to replace my negative affirmations with positive, constructive words. I have committed that for this whole month, every time I notice myself repeating a negative mantra, I will replace it with a new affirmation that I created for myself: I am peaceful and strong.
To join in Mantra March, try the activity below and share your new positive mantras in the comments.
Mantra March Exercise
Here is a 5-step, 10 minute exercise that you can do to come up with your own positive affirmation to replace your negative mantras. (Video coming soon)
What you will need:
A notebook and a pencil
A quiet place to sit (unless of course you have children, then just find a place to sit and find inner quiet amongst the chaos)
Step 1: Brainstorm – Write down 2-3 negative mantras that you repeat to yourself on a regular basis.
Step 2: Meditate – Sit comfortably, spine tall, feet flat on the floor (or sits bones rooted on the ground if in cross-legged position), close your eyes. Take a minute or two to watch your breath then become aware of the sounds in the room, the sensations on your skin, becoming more and more aware of your body in space. Then, with the eyes still closed, gently lift your gaze to the point between your eyebrows and imagine as if you are breathing in and out of this point. Remain here for as long as you like (at least 3 minutes).
Step 3: Write – Right after you finish your meditation, quickly write down a positive affirmation for yourself. Let it be the first thing that comes to mind, don’t censor yourself. It should be affirmative, rather than aspirational. For instance: I inspire others, or I am joyful or I exude confidence. You want it to be short, easy to remember and to the point.
Step 4: Practice – Say your affirmation to yourself a few times. Commit it to memory. Maybe even write it on a sticky note and put it on your mirror or bedside table so you see it every day.
Step 5: Action – Now use your mantra! Every time you notice yourself thinking something negative about yourself, stop yourself and repeat your new mantra. The two-fold benefit is that you will reduce negative self-talk and put more positive energy into the world.
2 thoughts on “Mantra March”
Noelle, after seeing your post on FB, here I am, almost an hour later, reading each of your posts. Please take heart in knowing that none of us knows what we’re doing, we’re all winging it, we all feel like we could be doing a better job. But all we can do is take heart knowing we’re just trying our hardest. (I also remind myself that most likely, my children will not remember the first approx. 2-3 years of their lives, and hope that I’ll have things figured out by the time their earliest memories start to form.)
Thank you Jena. It is so helpful to be reminded that I’m not alone in my struggles because it’s easy to lose sight of that when you’re “in it.” I think you’re right that focusing on the long game, especially in the early years, is key when we’re trying to figure this parenting thing out. That, and taking pleasure in baby laughs, of course.